7 Tips For Moving On After A Major Loss In Life

There's nothing worse than losing someone or something you care about. Whether you're going through a breakup or dealing with the death of a family member, moving on after loss is not easy.

How to Stop Worrying and Start Living This is Dale Carnegie's summary of his book, from 1948

Fundamental facts you should know about worry

  1. If you want to avoid worry, do what Sir William Osler did: Live in "day-tight compartments." Don't stew about the futures. Just live each day u ntil bedtime.
  2. The next time Trouble--with a Capital T--backs you up in a corner, try the magic formula of Willis H. Carrier:
    1. Ask yourself, "What is the worst that can possibly happen if I can't solve my problem?
    2. Prepare yourself mentally to accept the worst--if necessary.
    3. Then calmly try to improve upon the worst--which you have already mentally agreed to accept.
  3. Remind yourself of the exorbitant price you can pay for worry in terms of your health. "Those who do not know how to fight worry die young."

Basic techniques in analyzing worry

  1. Get the facts. Remember that Dean Hawkes of Columbia University said that "half the worry in the world is caused by people trying to make decisions before they have sufficient knowledge on which to base a decision."
  2. After carefully weighing all the facts, come to a decision.
  3. Once a decision is carefully reached, act! Get busy carrying out your decision--and dismiss all anxiety about the outcome.
  4. When you, or any of your associates, are tempted to worry about a problem, write out and answer the following questions:
    1. What is the problem?
    2. What is the cause of the problem?
    3. What are all possible solutions?
    4. What is the best solution?

How to break the worry habit before it breaks you

  1. Crowd worry out of your mind by keeping busy. Plenty of action is one of the best therapies ever devised for curing "wibber gibbers."
  2. Don't fuss about trifles. Don't permit little things--the mere termites of life--to ruin your happines.
  3. Use the law of averages to outlaw your worries. Ask yourself: "What are the odds against this thing's happening at all?"
  4. Co-operate with the inevitable. If you know a circumstance is beyond your power to change or revise, say to yourself: "It is so; it cannot be otherwise."
  5. Put a "stop-less" order on your worries. Decide just how much anxiety a thing may be worth--and refuse to give it anymore.
  6. Let the past bury its dead. Don't saw sawdust.

Seven ways to cultivate a mental attitude that will bring you peace and happiness

  1. Let's fill our minds with thoughts of peace, courage, health, and hope, for "our life is what our thoughts make it."
  2. Let's never try to get even with our enemies, because if we do we will hurt ourselves far more than we hurt them. Let's do as General Eisenhower does: let's never waste a minute thinking about people we don't like.
    1. Instead of worrying about ingratitude, let's expect it. Let's remember that Jesus healed ten lepers in one day--and only one thanked Him. Why should we expect more gratitude than Jesus got?
    2. Let's remember that the only way to find happiness is not to expect gratitude--but to give for the joy of giving.
    3. Let's remember that gratitude is a "cultivated" trait; so if we want our children to be grateful, we must train them to be grateful.
  3. Count your blessings--not your troubles!
  4. Let's not imitate others. Let's find ourselves and be ourselves, for "envy is ignorance" and "imitation is suicide."
  5. When fate hands us a lemon, let's try to make a lemonade.
  6. Let's forget our own unhappiness--by trying to create a little happiness for others. "When you are good to others, you are best to yourself."

The perfect way to conquer worry

  1. Prayer

How to keep from worrying about criticism

  1. Unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment. It often means that you have aroused jealousy and envy. Remember that no one ever kicks a dead dog.
  2. Do the very best you can; and then put up your old umbrella and keep the rain of criticism from running down the back of your neck.
  3. Let's keep a record of the fool things we have done and criticize ourselves. Since we can't hope to be perfect, let's do what E.H. Little did: let's ask for unbiased, helpful, constructive criticism.

Six ways to prevent fatigue and worry and keep your energy and spirits high

  1. Rest before you get tired.
  2. Learn to relax at your work.
  3. Learn to relax at home.
  4. Apply these four good workings habits:
    1. Clear your desk of all papers except those relating to the immediate problem at hand.
    2. Do things in the order of their importance.
    3. When you face a problem, solve it then and there if you have the facts to make a decision.
    4. Learn to organize, deputize, and supervise.
  5. To prevent worry and fatigue, put enthusiasm into your work.
  6. Remember, no one was ever killed by lack of sleep. It is worrying about insomnia that does the damage--not the insomnia.
Adopted from https://westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/stop-worry.html

The Three Majors Musts - http://www.rebtnetwork.org/library/musts.html


We all express ourselves differently, but the irrational beliefs that upset us can be placed under three major headings. Each of these core beliefs contains an absolutistic must or demand. These three majors musts can be summarized as follows:

I. I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good.

Summary

Inflexible
Places unrealistic expectations on oneself
Over-concern with others' opinion of oneself
Self-worth measured by achievement and popularity
Non-self-accepting

Sub-beliefs
I must have love and approval from everybody.
I need someone to love me.
I must not do anything that would cause others to think less of me.
I must be competent and successful.
I must have an important skill or talent.
I must successfully avoid unpleasant or undesirable situations.
Unpleasant and undesirable situations upset me.
I can't control my emotions in difficult situations.
I must avoid dangerous or life-threatening situations.
If I do encounter such situations, I must worry about them to make them go away.
I must think, feel and act the same as I always have.
My past has such a strong influence on me that I cannot change.
I must find order, certainty, and predictability in life.
If I don't find these things, I cannot feel comfortable or act competently.
I must depend on other people because I can't depend on myself.
I must rely on superstition and religion especially in difficult times.
I must understand the secrets of the universe.
I cannot be happy unless I understand the nature and secrets of the universe.
I must rate myself as either "good" and "worthy," or "bad" and "worthless."
To be "good," and "worthy," I must be competent, successful and popular.
If I am not competent, successful or popular then I am "bad" and "worthless."
I must never feel depressed, anxious or enraged.

Emotional Consequences
Depression
Anxiety and/or panic
Self Downing

Behavioral Consequences
Risk-avoidance
Shyness
Procrastination
Unassertiveness
Workaholism

II. Other people must do "the right thing" or else they are no good and deserve to be punished.

Summary

Inflexible and unrealistic
Assumes one's authority over others
Assumes a clear-cut difference between right and wrong
Assumes one's ability to inerrantly differentiate between right and wrong
Places oneself at the center of the universe with others catering to one's needs and wants
Leads to conflict with others who also see themselves as the center of the universe
Non-accepting of human fallibility

Sub-beliefs
Everybody should treat everyone else (especially me) in a fair and considerate manner.
If they act unfairly or inconsiderately, they are no good.
If they act unfairly or inconsiderately, they deserve to be punished.
Society or the universe must ensure that they get the punishment they deserve.
Other people must not act incompetently or unwisely.
If they act incompetently or unwisely, they are worthless idiots.
If they act incompetently or unwisely, they should be ashamed of themselves.
If they act incompetently or unwisely, they should expect none of the good things in life.
Talented people must use their talent.
Everyone must reach their potential.
People who don't live up to their potential have little or no value as human beings.
Other people must not criticize me.
If they unjustly criticize me, they are no good and don't deserve anything good to happen to them.

Emotional Consequences
Anger, rage or fury
Impatience
Bitterness
Resentment

Behavioral Consequences
Aggression and violence
Bigotry and intolerance
Bullying
Nagging

III.   Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience.

Summary

Inflexible and unrealistic
Over-estimates one's right to a trouble-free life
Under-estimates one's ability to cope with adversity
Non-accepting of life's vagaries

Sub-beliefs
Things must go the way I want them to go.
I need what I want.
It's awful if I don't get what I want.
I must constantly worry about life's predicaments.
I must control, avoid or change life's predicaments.
I must make myself upset over life's predicaments.
Making myself upset gives me the power to control, avoid or change life's predicaments.
I must avoid, rather than face and deal with, life's difficulties and responsibilities.
I must not be inconvenienced or made uncomfortable.
I cannot discipline myself.
I can't stand the present pain that is necessary for future gain.
It must be easy to change things that I don't like.
Difficulties must not exist.
I am powerless to change my circumstances.
Any effort to change my circumstances is pointless because it is doomed to fail.
Justice, fairness, equality, democracy and other "right" values must prevail.
I can't stand it when my values are trodden on.
All problems must have a perfect solution.
The perfect solution to all problems must be found.
It's awful if a perfect solution can't be found to my problems (or those of people I care about).
I must not die prematurely.
I should be able to live forever.
It's terrible that I will one day die and no longer exist.
It's terrible that people I love will one day die and no longer exist.
My life must have meaning and purpose.
a.     If I can't create meaning or purpose for myself, the universe or something supernatural must provide it for me.
I must not experience depression, rage or anxiety.
I must not have psychological problems.
I must not be institutionalized.
I couldn't stand to be institutionalized.
I could never recover if I went "crazy."

Emotional Consequences
Low frustration tolerance
Self-pity
Depression
Discomfort anxiety

Behavioral Consequences
Procrastination
Shirking
Drug and alcohol abuse
Overindulgence in "feel good" behaviors (e.g., overeating)

About The Author:
Will Ross — is the webmaster and co-founder of REBTnetwork.org; he tutors REBT self-helpers and is the author and publisher of online REBT self-help materials.

Life Skills

Life skills are the abilities for adaptive and positive behavior that enable individuals to deal effectively with the demands and challenges of everyday life (psycho-social lifestyles).

 
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