IS IT OKAY TO LET YOUR CHILD GO FOR SLEEP OVERS?

We have been conducting seminars on parenting in various schools and one of the greatest concerns raised by parents has to do with sleepovers. Many parents wonder whether or not to allow their children to go for sleepovers or to host them. Their main concern is the safety of their children during such sleepovers. We decided to source for knowledge on the same and here is what we have to share with you.

According to Pattie Fitzgerald, founder of Safely Ever After, sleepovers are part of a wonderful childhood, and many parents would like their own kids to be able to enjoy the same. Yet, they can also be a slippery slope just by their very nature, and it’s certainly appropriate for parents to have legitimate concerns. There have been stories about children being molested while at a sleepover while in others, children enjoy without anything bad ever happening. The answer to whether or whether not to have a sleepover is both a ‘yes’ and a ‘no’. It all depends with YOU and what you are most comfortable with!

Sleepovers can provide a perpetrator easier access to a child than a typical play-date during the day. This is because once children are in their beds or sleeping bags, there is a quiet, vulnerable atmosphere when children can be caught off-guard if approached by another adult, or possibly even the older sibling of their friend. In such an environment, a child might be less likely to shout out for help, or even yell out a good, strong “STOP IT!”, for fear of waking the others. The child may feel “trapped” and not know how to get away from the perpetrator. Also, during a sleepover, there may be more of an opportunity for a molester to victimize a child, simply because they can wait until everyone else is asleep. For this reason, it is important to talk specifically with your child about sleepover issues, before you make your decision.

Is the solution "No Sleepovers- Ever?"

That’s one way to solve the problem and it’s certainly a parent’s right to ban sleepovers if you choose. But, some parents may feel differently based on their own experiences or parenting styles. They may want to allow occasional sleepovers depending on certain circumstances. That’s okay too, provided you arm your children with clear safety instructions before ever allowing them to spend the night at another home.

Safeguarding a Sleep Over- A Parents Role.

Before allowing your child to spend the night at any friend’s home, you will need to have specific conversations regarding “good touch/bad touch/confusing touch.” You’ll need to pose some “what if” questions, to be sure your child knows how to react to anything that feels uncomfortable or “yucky.” There are many variables which can determine if a household is safe for a sleepover. You might be comfortable letting your child spend the night at one friend’s home, yet another home may be completely out of the question.

Run through the check list below

This will help you evaluate if this sleepover is a “safe scenario” or not. Consider who else may be at that home… for example, other relatives or adult friends? Is the older sibling also having a friend sleep over, do the parents have the same feelings that you do regarding the use of alcohol or other substances – particularly when children are around?

1. Do you know everyone who lives at the home?
2. Does anyone at this home give you an uncomfortable or “uh-oh” feeling?
3. Will the parents be home or are they having a babysitter in for the night? (If so, who is the sitter and what do you know about them?)
4. Are other children going to spend the night as well?
5. Are the supervising parents having their own adult friends over?
6. Will the children be staying in all night or is there an outing or activity planned for earlier in the evening (such as dinner out, bowling, or a movie)?
7. Will your child need to take a bath there? If so, who will be helping them? (Note: the smartest choice is for the child to bathe at home before going).
8. Have you told your child that they can call you at anytime, no matter what, if they feel uncomfortable or scared and that you’ll pick them up right away? *Even in the middle of the night!
9. Are you able to discuss safety concerns with the supervising parent(s) without worrying about what they might think of you?
10. Do the other parents make you feel guilty for asking questions, or try to minimize your concerns by teasing you or not taking you seriously?
11. Is your child generally able to speak up for themselves when they feel uncomfortable or uneasy?
12. Have you taught your child to trust their instincts and to listen to their own “inner voice”?
13. Have you discussed what to do if someone tries to touch them in an uncomfortable or unsafe manner?

5 Safety tips for kids away from home

1. Assess your child's age

There's no magic age where kids stop being homesick. However, the personality and needs of your child should help you determine at what age kids are ready for a slumber party away from home. The most important thing to consider is your child's safety, so it's up to you to judge whether he or she is capable of making safe decisions under someone else's supervision.

2. Invite the friend over first

Daytime play dates will give you a chance to meet the kid your child wants to have a sleepover with before you send her off to spend the night. Watch and see how the children interact with one another prior to agreeing to any slumber party plans.

3. Meet the parents

Either during drop off, at the sports field during little league games or at a daytime play date, schedule some face time with the adults who are hosting the sleepover prior to the get together. This will give you a chance to catch any red flags or give you peace of mind about your child's nocturnal adventure.

4. Lay out the ground rules

Don't be shy -- let the hosting parents know your child safety rules and supervision requirements for your child. Remember to offer info on anything about your youngster that will pertain to the overnight plans, such as any fears of the dark or food allergies. Also remind your child of your family's rules before he or she heads off to have fun.

5. Create a code word

Develop a word that your kiddo can use as code if he or she becomes uncomfortable at a slumber party and wants to go home. Whether it's a child safety issue like domestic violence or a social issue like drinking or a video game that violates your family's rules, a no questions asked policy when this code word is used will help keep you and your child at ease.

Overall, slumber parties away from home are something that are good for children and parents alike, fostering independence for children and helping you to let go of the reigns as your child grows, as long as you are mindful of basic child safety standards. However, note that setting these sleepover safety guidelines early on will likely lead to less resistance by teens down the road, so start early and send your kiddo off for some overnight fun, If you both so please!

Warm regards from the Nairobi Parenting Clinic Team.