Breaking the Argument Habit with Your Adolescent by Shari Steelsmith

Tip—If you don’t have to be right, you don’t have to argue.

Last week we discussed some of the typical dynamics between parents and children when they argue. Typically, what happens is a youngster will make a complaint (“There’s never anything to eat around here” or, “Vacuum? I just did that last week!”) or make a provocative statement (“Racism is no big deal.”). Parents will then engage and argue about the merits of the teen’s position. Instead of listening calmly and responding, “Wow. Why didn’t I think of that? You’re right, Mom. Thanks for explaining it so well to me,” the adolescent usually just argues more passionately for her own position.

Tools—Louise Tracy, middle school counselor and parent of six, offers some wise guidance for avoiding arguments in her book, Grounded for Life?! Stop Blowing Your Fuse and Start Communicating with Your Teenager. Instead of automatically arguing with your youngster when she complains or announces she won’t do something, try these techniques instead.

• Respond to complaints in low-key monosyllables. When your child makes outrageous comments, answer with an inquisitive, “Oh?” Or, “Hmm,” “Ah,” or “Huh.” When you hear your son complain, “Why’d you have to put in a lawn anyway? Mowing every week is pointless,” you can respond with a gently inquisitive, “Oh?” The point is to make your response neutral, while indicating listening, not judging. This sort of listening reassures your teen that, 1. You’re listening, and 2. You care about his concerns. It also invites a child to elaborate rather than defend his position. This teen might go on to reveal that his allergies flare up badly when he does yard work, rather than argue the merits of maintaining a lawn or the fairness of the chore.
• Start your response with “Yes.” Your child is expecting you to argue with her. Passionate complaints and outrageous statements are a bit like throwing down a challenge. Don’t pick it up. Instead, find some way to agree with part of her position. If she says, “We have the ugliest car in town!” Say, “Yes, it is getting old.” If he says, “I don’t need to do my English homework. I’ve read everything in the library worth reading already,” you can answer, “Yes, you do read a lot.” Listen to your youngster’s position. Re-state it back to them in a non-judgmental way. If you don’t argue, then he or she is free to go on to problem solve.
• Don’t take a position on anything the first time it comes up for discussion. Instead, comment on your child’s knowledge, thinking, and concern about a subject. For example, your child says, “That’s just so stupid that marijuana is illegal. What were they thinking?” Instead of diving in with your opinions (and worries), inquire gently, “Why do you say that?” He might surprise you with some thoughts about the state budget and taxes that could be charged on legalized marijuana sales. You could then comment, “Wow. You’ve really thought about this issue.” You can save your viewpoint for the second or third (calm) discussion on the topic. By this time your teen will trust that you have a certain amount of respect for his opinions and will be in a more open frame of mind to hear your thoughts on the issue.
• If you don’t have to be right, you don’t have to argue. Avoid opposing a subject the first time it is presented. Listen for points of agreement. If you don’t have to be right, there doesn’t have to be an argument.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Grounded for Life?! Stop Blowing Your Fuse and Start Communicating with Your Teenager by Louise Felton Tracy, M.S.