How can I overcome my social anxiety?

Listing unhelpful thoughts

The way that we think about things has an impact on our social anxiety. Many of these thoughts occur outside of our control, and can be negative or unhelpful. It is therefore important to remember that they are just thoughts, without any real basis, and are not necessarily facts. Even though we may believe a lot of our unhelpful thoughts when we are socially anxious, it is good to remember that they should be questioned as they are often based on wrong assumptions.

The following section will help you begin to recognise if you are thinking about things in an unhelpful or unrealistic way, and discuss how you can start to make changes to this. By doing so, you can learn to see things in a more realistic light which can help to reduce your social anxiety. You might have unhelpful thoughts about all kinds of things. Here are some examples:

Before Social Situations

·         I'll make a fool of myself

·         I'll have nothing to say

·         I'll go bright red / I'll stammer

During Social Situations:

·         Everyone's staring at me

·         I'm useless / I'm trembling

After Social Situations

·         Everyone thought I was an idiot

·         I'd be better off not even bothering

·         I sounded like an idiot

About Yourself:

·         I'm weird

·         No-one likes me

·         I'm not very funny

It is clear to see how this kind of thinking might lower our confidence and cause us to feel socially anxious.

The first step is to make a list of all unhelpful thoughts when you are anxious...

Patterns of unhelpful thinking

First you need to be able to recognize an unhelpful thought. Then you can challenge it. Being aware of the common patterns that unhelpful thoughts follow can help you to recognise when you have them. Here are some of the common patterns that our unhelpful thoughts follow:

Predicting the Future:

When we are shy or socially anxious it is common for us to spend a lot of time thinking about the future and predicting what could go wrong, rather than just letting things be. In the end most of our predictions don't happen and we have wasted time and energy being worried and upset about them. For example:

·         You worry that you will go red, stammer, and that everyone will dislike you.

·         You assume that you will be the centre of attention and everyone will stare at you.

These thoughts naturally make you anxious before you even arrive in a social situation.

Mind Reading:

This means that you make assumptions about others' beliefs without having any real evidence to support them. For example:

·         He thinks I'm an idiot.

·         They think I look ugly.

Such ways of thinking can soon lower our mood and self-esteem.

Taking Things Personally:

When people are socially anxious or shy, they often take things to heart. For example:

·         Because a work colleague is quiet, you assume you have offended them and it is somehow your fault.

·         You walk past a group who are laughing and assume the joke is at your expense.

Over Generalising:

Based on one isolated incident you assume that all others will follow a similar pattern in the future. For example:

·         Because you believe that one presentation went badly, you assume all others will follow the same pattern, as opposed to seeing it as a one off.

What If Statements:

Have you ever wondered "what if" something bad happens? For example:

·         What if nobody likes me?

·         What if I run out of things to say?

These thoughts also make you dread situations beforehand.

Focusing on the Negatives:

After a social gathering, you tend to focus on the parts of the evening that you believe didn't go well. At the same time, you gloss over positive parts of the evening. For example:

·         You dwell on the one conversation which ran out of steam quickly, whilst forgetting the fact that you mingled well throughout the rest of the evening.

Labelling:

Do you saddle yourself with negative labels? For example:

·         I'm boring.

·         I'm uninteresting.

·         I'm weird.

·         I'm unlovable.

These, often long held beliefs about yourself, ensure your confidence and self-esteem remains low.

Once you know, what are unhelpful thought you experience and their category, the next step is to learn how to challenge them 
Part 5:How to challenge unhelpful thoughts